1 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:14,310 Tonight, Richard tests a van, 2 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:17,790 I drive an old, brown Porsche, 3 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:21,030 and James uses a telephone. 4 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,080 Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome. 5 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,990 Thank you so much, thank you, everybody, thank you. 6 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,320 Now... Now... 7 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:44,510 Ambulance response times have been in the news just recently. 8 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:48,030 It seems that many ambulances aren't getting to 9 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,710 critically ill patients as fast as they should be. 10 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,510 And nobody seems to know why... 11 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,310 except us. 12 00:00:56,360 --> 00:01:00,030 You see, the National Health Service believes that this 13 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,510 is a fast-response vehicle, 14 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:07,190 but it isn't even on nodding terms with the concept of fast. 15 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,510 It started out in life as a van with a diesel engine, 16 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,310 and then they added more weight. 17 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,990 And that gave us an idea. 18 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,950 Here's a traditional ambulance. 19 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,790 It's big and it's bulky 20 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,070 and it's stuck in rush-hour traffic. 21 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:35,070 Plus, it's being driven by a chap who knows how to drain a lung, 22 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,790 but he doesn't know how to trail brake 23 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,350 or execute a racing gear change. 24 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,790 Our ambulance, however, is really different. 25 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:50,790 Yes, it's the Stig in an emergency version of Top Gear's P45, 26 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,960 the smallest road-legal car ever made. 27 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,360 That means it can fit through the tiniest gaps. 28 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:04,150 And make its own lane in the jams. 29 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:07,590 And when it gets to the scene of an emergency, 30 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,560 it can drive right up to the building and then go inside. 31 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:18,000 All of this saves time, and saving time saves lives. 32 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,670 Of course, you're probably wondering how on earth the patient can 33 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:26,470 now be transported to hospital in an ambulance as small as this. 34 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:30,630 Well, that is where our genius really comes into play because, 35 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:34,110 well, here comes the Stig now with a patient who has been 36 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,430 literally bored into a coma by one of the meetings they have in here. 37 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,470 Yes, and as you can see, he simply has to clip the stretcher 38 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,030 on to the back of the P45 and he's ready to go. 39 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,070 - Yeah. - Sometimes I think our genius is tangible. 40 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,150 - It's like... it's like it has a mass. - Yeah, it's like another presence. 41 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,710 It's still there when we've gone. 42 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,550 Yeah. I mean, we've solved many things over the years, 43 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,630 but I think that is our finest hour, it really is. 44 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,550 Yeah, I think it's up there with the best we've ever done. 45 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,480 - Oh! - Jeez! 46 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,190 - Oh. - Oh. I think we need to call for an ambulance. 47 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,830 - That's a good idea. - OK, I'll do it. 48 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,620 - Do you know what the number is? - Nine... 49 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,990 - Is it nine? - Oh, hello. - Excuse me. - Oh... 50 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,510 Gentlemen. 51 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,590 "You idiots." 52 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:26,230 - Hmm. Fair point, this time. - Yeah. - "You've killed a man." 53 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,470 - He wasn't going to make it anyway. - No, I don't think he was. 54 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:30,800 - He looked very peaky. - He did. 55 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,670 "It's all very well building a faster ambulance, 56 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,830 "but it's no good if you have to tow the patient to hospital. 57 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:40,750 "Now go back to the drawing board and, for once, do it properly." 58 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,670 - Right. - Mm-hm, OK. 59 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,510 So we've got to build something 60 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,790 that's faster than a normal ambulance. 61 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,230 Yeah, but it's got to have room for the patient. 62 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,150 - Inside it. - Inside it. Yeah. 63 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,140 That's... that's where we went wrong there. 64 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,830 Naturally, we couldn't agree on what vehicle 65 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,110 we should use as a start point, 66 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,880 so each of us went our own way. 67 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,520 Here is what I have chosen. 68 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,030 Yeah, it is a van, but it's a Chevy G20. 69 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:22,910 Under there, 5.7-litre small block Chevy V8. 70 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,710 What I've got is a V8 ambulance, but there's more. 71 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,430 That thing, £150,000. 72 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,470 This? About £5,000. 73 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,110 I am saving the NHS a lot of money 74 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,350 that they can spend better on bandages and those... 75 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,790 paper bottles that you wee in? 76 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:41,430 At this point, the orang-utan arrived. 77 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,120 Hello. 78 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,470 What? 79 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,670 - Well... - Porsche 944 Turbo. 80 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,870 Yes, I know. It's not very ambulance-y, is it? 81 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,470 What's wrong with it? 82 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,670 This was actually designed as an ambulance by Porsche. 83 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,430 - Was it? - It was. - In what way is it an ambulance? 84 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,430 - Make that work for me. - Right, OK, fine. 85 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:07,270 Full James May spec - brown, brown interior, brown carpet, 86 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,710 brown dashboard - 87 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,430 so that if there's a trouser accident with the patient 88 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,030 you don't see it, 89 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,990 and the whole point is, we were told to get a fast ambulance, 90 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,830 were we not? It's a 944 Turbo. 91 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,030 Top speed 152mph. 92 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,710 - And this is yours? - Oh, yeah. 93 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,630 - Top speed? - It's so big that they won't even tell you. 94 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,950 - They don't even know what the top speed is. - Is it? 95 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,510 - There is no top speed. - Is it? Is it? - Yeah. Look at that. 96 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,230 - Ohh... - Yep, I know. It's brilliant, isn't it? 97 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,910 Electric seats. 98 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,590 Why is every single car you ever buy for one of these challenges 99 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,070 filled with ruched Dralon? 100 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,550 I don't know, just something that happens. I don't know.. 101 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,150 Now, I'm sorry, Hammond, mine is better than yours. 102 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,270 Look at the size of this boot! 103 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,110 'To demonstrate its enormity, I made Hammond climb into it.' 104 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,830 - It's not brilliant. - Tell me I've done this wrong. 105 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,590 - Yeah. - Tell me I've done this wrong. 106 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,590 - Um, one thing. - What? 107 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,830 - It is quite incredibly hot in here. - Is it? 108 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,430 I'm in a greenhouse. I'm quite quickly beginning to cook. 109 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,230 'As Hammond simmered to death...' 110 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:08,870 Oh, look! 111 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,060 '..An undertaker arrived.' 112 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,070 - Um... - Oh, sorry. 113 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,990 - Gentlemen. - Oh, God! 114 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,800 Behold, the Ford Scorpio Cardinal. 115 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,390 So, what's really interesting about this car 116 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,350 is what's going on under here. 117 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:34,470 This has a 2.9-litre, quad cam, 24-valve V6 developed by Cosworth 118 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,630 and giving 207 horsepower. 119 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,270 - And... and it has traction control. - Yes... 120 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,870 And... it has a sport button. 121 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,870 All very interesting, James. You did very good indeed. 122 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,336 - But there's a bit of an elephant in the room. - Yes, I knew you 123 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,990 were going to say that. It's not Ford's finest styling, I know, 124 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,510 but that hardly matters if you've just fallen off a ladder! 125 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,950 That's not the elephant we're talking about. 126 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,430 - The elephant's a little further back. - It's a hearse! 127 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,430 - It is a hearse, James. - It's what you put dead people in! 128 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:02,910 Well, look at it this way. 129 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,510 If you lose the patient, which does happen, you've still got a job. 130 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,950 But look at the plus sides - it's very fast, it's very smooth... 131 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,950 - Is it? - Yes, it is. It's very refined. It's the right shape 132 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,230 for patients already. 133 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,710 This is a type of car that has actually been misused for years. 134 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,230 - Tell you what it would make. - Brilliant camper van. 135 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,630 Yeah, yeah, good ice-cream van as well. 136 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,150 Or burger van, anything like that, anything van-like. 137 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,630 Yes, yes, but not an ambulance. 138 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:30,070 'My protests were then halted by the arrival of a challenge.' 139 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,110 - Ah. - Go on, then. 140 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,950 "You will now do a drag race 141 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,270 "with your ambulances against the NHS equivalent." 142 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:41,310 Must be that. "Many points will be awarded to the winner." 143 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,390 - Well... - Well, I'm the winner. - Well... - Well, I... 144 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,550 No, you parked next to... That's a Chevy engine, 145 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,390 that's a Corvette engine in there, basically, as I have said. 146 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,976 - Shall we just do it and see? - Yes. - That's the sort of point. 147 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,990 'Moments later, we took our places on the start line.' 148 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,590 Sport, traction control off, 149 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,430 remain dignified, drive, I'm ready. 150 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,350 Prepare to be surprised. 151 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,230 When this car was new, it produced 217 horsepower, but today I'm not 152 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,910 so sure because when I opened the turbo yesterday, I found this in it. 153 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:25,910 Bits of what could be gravel or broken ceramic. I don't know. 154 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,960 I just know it has no place in a piece of hi-tech equipment. 155 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,520 That's all it's got. I'll just leave it open. 156 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:41,350 Weirdest ambulance race in history is about to begin. 157 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,590 Three, two, one! 158 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,990 Oh, I'm going to win! I'm getting ahead. 159 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,630 My mirror's dropping out. 160 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,390 Eat my dust, Chevrolet! 161 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,600 Oh, my God, no! 162 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,280 The hearse is mighty. 163 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,150 Look at it go! 100! 164 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,110 But it seems, yes... 165 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,190 Oh, no! 166 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,520 ...the Porsche is mightier than the hearse. 167 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,480 And across the line at 120mph! 168 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,310 The A-Team had one of these! 169 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,960 Hammond, my commiserations on your unfortunate loss. 170 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,670 Thank you. 171 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,550 'The fact is, though, 172 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:40,550 'that all our vehicles were faster than the National Health Service, 173 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,390 'and having proved that, 174 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,800 'we were told to go off and make them a bit more ambulance-y.' 175 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,360 Thank you very much. 176 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,350 Thank you very much. 177 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:59,990 Now, we're going to pick that up... We'll pick that up later on, 178 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,310 but just before we move on and do the news, can I just say, 179 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,790 if you're standing in a field with a severed arm, 180 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,470 you don't want the NHS to arrive in a diesel van. 181 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,910 You don't want someone coming in a hearse. 182 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,390 It's a Cosworth hearse. 183 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,870 I don't care if it's a Bugatti hearse, it's still a hearse. 184 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,990 And what it says to the patient is, "You're not going to make it." 185 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,950 It does, James. It does. 186 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,910 But the point I'm trying to make is this, OK, not only are you 187 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,350 bothered about what car they come in, but also the driver. 188 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,910 You don't want to be rescued by Josh out of Casualty. 189 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,510 You want Lewis Hamilton. 190 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,470 - Now, that is a good point, actually. - Yes, it is. 191 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,270 It is because, if you think about it, racing drivers are like actors. 192 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,950 At any given moment, 97% of them are out of work. 193 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,270 So why doesn't the NHS take them on? 194 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,190 They could be doing something useful. 195 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,350 And what's Nigel Mansell doing these days? 196 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,910 Cos he'd be a brilliant ambulance driver, 197 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,750 - wouldn't he? - He would. - With his comforting Brummie accent 198 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,550 and his reassuring moustache in the front of the ambulance. 199 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,470 - I'd love to know he was there. - Anyway, we must now do the news. 200 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,070 And, uh, oh, yes, 201 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,830 we've had a number of complaints about last week's show. 202 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,630 People said it was cruel to blow up a cow. 203 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:10,750 Well, I want to make it absolutely plain right now - 204 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,670 no cow was hurt in the making of that film. 205 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,030 - Its death was instantaneous. - Yeah. 206 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,990 - Wouldn't have felt a thing. - Immediate, it wouldn't have known. 207 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:24,870 - Right, next. - Yes, I have news, very exciting news. It is a new Ferrari. 208 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,110 - There is a picture of it here. That... - Holy Moley! 209 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,030 - Wow. - Yes indeed. 210 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,230 That is the 488 GTB. 211 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,070 It has a 3.9-litre turbo-charged V8, 212 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,990 661 horsepower, 0-60 in three seconds. Look at it. 213 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:43,270 Correct me if I'm wrong, this is the replacement, isn't it, for the 458? 214 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,910 - Yes, it is. - I'm just thinking, if you had a 458, 215 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,750 you'd be feeling suicidal now, 216 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,670 - wouldn't you? - Yeah, you would. Yeah. - That's prettier, 217 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:54,870 faster, it's turbo-charged, it does 25 miles to the gallon. 218 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,790 50% more downforce than the 458. 219 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,990 - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - James? - Yes, Richard? 220 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:05,830 - Haven't you got a 458? - Oh, I completely forgot. - Yes, I have. 221 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,750 It's worthless now, 222 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,950 literally worthless, now they've done that. 223 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,710 You might just want to give it away to a member of the audience here. 224 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,790 Yeah! 225 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,190 - It's worthless. - I think we should maybe put it... 226 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,110 Let's open it to all the viewers. 227 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,590 If you'd like James's Ferrari write to us at James May, 228 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,830 I'll Take That Ferrari Off Your Hands If I Must, 229 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,950 BBC, London... wherever we are. 230 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,510 - You know, people are actually going to write in now. - Yes. 231 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,830 And we're actually going to give it away. 232 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,710 Yeah, we are. We're committed now. 233 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,590 That is a thing of extraordinary beauty. 234 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,910 But I have to say this - McLaren quick to respond, 235 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,990 they also have announced a new car. 236 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,550 Can't remember what it's called, it doesn't matter. 237 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,470 They sent us a picture of it. Here it is. 238 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,230 I'm not actually joking. They genuinely sent that going, 239 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,750 - "We've got a new car." - It's not actually a car, is it? 240 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:58,350 - Not really, no. - It's not finished. 241 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,310 I think I prefer the Ferrari. 242 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,950 Now, I want to talk about immigration, 243 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,830 and as I said that, the entire BBC management team 244 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,990 sat bolt upright in their sitting rooms and went, 245 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,190 "Oh, no, where's he going with this?" 246 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,910 Well, relax, LADIES, 247 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,030 don't choke on your tofu. 248 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,230 All I want to say is, if you are an immigrant, 249 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,550 you've just arrived in Britain, welcome. 250 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,950 Make yourselves at home. We hope you're very happy here. 251 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,750 Yeah, absolutely, we mean this. Thank you for coming here, 252 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,350 thank you for working hard, thank you for paying taxes, 253 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:33,910 thank you for cleaning my car. 254 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,870 And we're off the air. That's the end of that. It's been great. 255 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,430 No, the man who runs the car valeting place near me 256 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,790 has recently arrived from Albania and he's brilliant. 257 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,470 No-one else is going to do it. He is superb, that's what I meant, 258 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,150 - thank you very much. - Fair enough. Well done, James. 259 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,910 What I wanted to say is, 260 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,910 I've noticed this, driving around in Britain, OK, I've noticed 261 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,790 a lot of the new boys, people who've just arrived in Britain, 262 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,230 have to understand how you use the motorways here - 263 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,590 that the right-hand lane, the outside lane, is for overtaking - 264 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,110 and then when you've completed your overtaking, 265 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:08,030 you then move back into the two inside lanes again. 266 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,470 I'm just passing that on as a piece of information. 267 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,470 Cos that's how it works here, exactly. 268 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,950 - Think of that right-hand lane as the lavatory. - Yeah. 269 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,110 You go in, do what you've got to do, and then you come out again. 270 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,230 You don't stay in there all day. 271 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,150 Unless you're James May, then I don't know what you're doing. 272 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,030 But, actually, seriously, you can't blame people 273 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:27,590 for not necessarily knowing that. 274 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,590 If you move to a completely different country, 275 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,350 there's a lot of stuff that you don't know that you have to learn. 276 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,670 Exactly. We travel an awful lot, as I'm sure you know. 277 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,790 I mean, in India, for example, if you're behind a lorry 278 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:42,630 and it indicates right, that means, "I have seen you in my mirrors, 279 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,670 "do please feel free to overtake." 280 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,110 OR it means, "I'm turning right." 281 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,350 Yeah, it does. 282 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,270 And if only there'd been a motoring show that would've told us 283 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,230 when we got there that that's what it means. 284 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,110 - It's a valuable service. - Yeah, exactly. 285 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,790 Because in Burma, for example, if you turn your headlights off, 286 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,190 - that means it's night-time. - Mmm. 287 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,470 There's lots and lots of different little nuances 288 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,950 when you're driving on the road. 289 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,590 There's another one in Britain, for people who've just got here. 290 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,350 If you're stopped by the police for any reason, 291 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,230 it's traditional in Britain 292 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:18,070 - to cup the officer's face and kiss him lightly. - Yeah, yeah. 293 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,070 And, quite often, you'll find he'll give you a traditional 294 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,070 little friendly punch in the face. 295 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,310 And maybe a jovial little tase along with it. It's just... 296 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,790 I think what we're trying to say is, get out of the outside lane! 297 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:35,270 Oh, now! There's a new special edition of the Range Rover Evoque, 298 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:38,390 - it's called the NW8. - NW8? - Yes. There it is. 299 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,030 They've named it after a London postcode? 300 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,070 Yeah, next up probably will be the E17. 301 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,430 A car that runs over its own driver. 302 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,790 - What's the matter now? - I don't get that. 303 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,710 - East 17... - It's a postcode. Why would a postcode... 304 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,510 - How could a postcode... - East 17 is a band, Brian Harvey? 305 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,160 - Is he a driver? - No, Hammond, look... 306 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,710 Hammond... Basically, the only band he knows is the Wurzels. 307 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,150 That's the problem. Now, I want to talk about stopping distances, 308 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,750 we touched on this when we were in Australia last week. 309 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,590 You see, the Government says we have to be limited to 70mph 310 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:23,550 on the motorway because the stopping distance from 70 is 315 feet, 311 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,310 which they say that's an acceptable stopping distance 312 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,870 so therefore you can't go any faster than 70. 313 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,110 Exactly. But we know that it isn't 315, don't we, 314 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,510 because we demonstrated this in Australia last week. 315 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,550 Well, from 60, yes. But we made the point. 316 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,630 So what we were wondering is, how fast do you actually 317 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:42,550 have to be going before you need 315 feet to stop? 318 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,150 Mmm. So we actually decided, this morning in fact, 319 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,550 to do an experiment. 320 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,190 We've got footage of it here. 321 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:52,750 It's the Stig driving along in a diesel-powered Vauxhall Insignia. 322 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,430 And he's building up speed to brake point now, full braking 323 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,110 and that's the Stig doing it. 324 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,270 And there we are, 315 feet exactly. 325 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,750 Anyone want to guess how fast he was going 326 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,510 when he pressed the brake pedal? 327 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,990 100mph? 328 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,350 130 in a Vauxhall Insignia diesel? 329 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,750 No. Try to be realistic. 330 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,950 110? Actually he was doing 112mph. 331 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,390 So if the Government says that the speed limit is 332 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,430 determined by stopping distance, 333 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,710 then we should be allowed to drive at 112mph. 334 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,700 - Perfectly logical. - You can't argue with it. 335 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,910 It's logic. 336 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,790 Right, OK. Now it's time to get back to our ambulance film. 337 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,390 So far, we've established that my car, his van 338 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,990 and his hearse are faster than the NHS equivalent, 339 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:43,870 and now we pick up the action after we've converted them 340 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,920 into actual ambulances. 341 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,070 We reconvened once more at our track, 342 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,840 and James was the first to arrive. 343 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,590 Hello, viewers, and as you would expect, I have done it properly. 344 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,470 This is no longer a hearse, 345 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:10,120 it is the future of club class recovery transport. 346 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,430 I've based it all on business jet travel. 347 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,390 It goes fast and makes you feel better. 348 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,430 Choice of pillows, television to show your journey. 349 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,990 A lovely view to the top. A lovely view out of the windows. 350 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,510 What could be wrong with it? It is the perfect ambulance. 351 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,670 I don't know why nobody's thought of it before, to be brutally honest. 352 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,150 - James May! - Oh, crikey. 353 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:35,910 Prepare to be blown away by the turbulence of my magnificence! 354 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,750 Behold, look what I have done! 355 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,190 I'm prepared to bask in the fetid belch of his incompetence, 356 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,580 but, anyway, let's see. Hello. 357 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:49,960 The challenge, as you know, was to build a fast ambulance. 358 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,270 - I've added 300 horsepower... - Have you? - .. With the paint job. 359 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,070 - Right. - You'll notice... 360 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,830 - hydraulic handbrake. - Hydraulic handbrake? 361 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,590 - Hydraulic handbrake. - You often hear ambulance drivers saying, 362 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,630 "If only I'd had a hydraulic handbrake." 363 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,550 You've never heard them say that cos they've never thought of it. 364 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:09,990 - OK. - Telephone number. 365 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,670 Yes, telephone number. That works everywhere, doesn't it? 366 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,350 - That's good, I can see the performance. - Yes. Yes. 367 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,910 - That? ~ This? - Yeah. ~ This? - Yeah. 368 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,270 This is genius. No other word for it. 369 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,790 'But before I could explain, Hammond arrived.' 370 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:27,870 Oh, my God. 371 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,520 Oh, yeah. 372 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,950 Ambulance. 373 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,470 It doesn't say... 374 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:41,470 No, what it says is "lo-cost nuclear waste disposal", not "ambulance". 375 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,150 No, what it says is, "Get out of the way!" 376 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,070 Because you would. You see that, you're not going to just sit there 377 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,630 dithering, "Oh, I might, I might not." You're going to run. 378 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,470 - What's this? - Well, if you're stuck in traffic, for instance, 379 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,990 and you saw this, and green gas started coming out, 380 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:58,310 - you wouldn't be stuck in traffic any more. - So, you're scaring people 381 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,030 out of the way of your high-performance ambulance? 382 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,070 - Yes! - Ah, but it isn't high performance. - No. 383 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,790 - That's what I'm about to say. - Uh, uh, uh! - Is it any faster? 384 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,670 Yes, I have addressed the issue of speed very cleverly. 385 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,110 What I've fitted... 386 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,030 If you look over there - nitrous! 387 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,990 Because it has two purposes. 388 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,470 It's what they use as laughing gas in hospitals, isn't it? 389 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,056 - Yes. - So, if the patient needs to be made to feel a bit better, 390 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:22,590 I switch that to "patient". 391 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,590 If I want to go a bit faster, I switch that to "engine" 392 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:29,070 and it diverts the nitrous into the engine, another several hundred BHP. 393 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,110 - Of course! - Yes! - Nitrous is the same thing that drag racers use 394 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,160 - to go faster and that they use... - Yeah, yeah. 395 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,430 'James then demonstrated the motorised loading bay 396 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,080 'he'd fitted to his hearse-bulance.' 397 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,030 - Oh, the speed, the speed! - I'm bleed... 398 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,950 - It's my femoral artery! I'm bleeding out. - We're bleeding to death! 399 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,350 It's slowing now, it's not bleeding as quickly. 400 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,790 It's barely dribbling out now! 401 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,470 It's a good job you've got a Cosworth engine, James, 402 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,590 - because you've got a lot of time to make up. - Can we have a look inside? 403 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,710 - Of course you can. - Oh, look it... 404 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,390 - You've broken it. - It won't take the weight of a tiny, tiny man. 405 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,840 'I then demonstrated my much faster patient-loading solution.' 406 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:20,190 - Oh, I say! - Wheels deployed. 407 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,030 Wheels deployed there, wheels deploy there. 408 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,110 Ouch! Annoyingly, that's actually quite clever. 409 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,030 - This is a split folding... It's like a Range Rover Porsche. - Exactly! 410 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,270 Don't sit it on it, you've already broken one tailgate today. 411 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,620 'And my brilliant engineering didn't stop there.' 412 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:39,270 I'm driving down a narrow street, 413 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,820 parked cars are on either side, I can't get through. 414 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,720 - Clear! - What?! 415 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,310 - What? - It's a ram-bulance! 416 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:57,110 - Oh, I see, I thought it was a snowplough. - My God, this is... 417 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,390 - Sheet steel, ten mil. - OK. 418 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,710 - Heavy? - Very. - Hmm. - That's why it folds back. 419 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,870 - Oh, what, cos it's lighter when it's folded back? - No, no, no, no, b... 420 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,870 - Do you know nothing about weight distribution? - 50-50 distribution. 421 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,550 - It's still weight! - It's 50-50... 422 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,590 'As we discussed my handiwork, a challenge arrived.' 423 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:22,110 "The Stig will now drive each of your cars around the track, 424 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:27,230 "which, to make it more real, has been fitted with three speed humps. 425 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,390 "You will be in the back with a patient 426 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:33,150 "and, in the course of one lap, you will put his intestines back in, 427 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,630 "insert a drip, and fit a catheter. 428 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,390 "Points will be awarded for speed 429 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,910 "and how much of the medical work you complete successfully." 430 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,230 What? Is a catheter a thing that goes up your old chap? 431 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,030 - Yes! ~ Up it? - Yes. ~ Not on it? - No. 432 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:54,110 'Hammond elected to go first and, once his patient had been loaded, 433 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,950 'a rather bemused Stig took his place at the wheel.' 434 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,310 - Oh, he's not in a good way at all. - He?! 435 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,870 - It's a girl. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, no, or is it, though? 436 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,750 It's a girl from where I am. Just have a look under there. 437 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,950 - Is that just a bit of...? - Agh! 438 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,390 - There's a thing! - It's a ladyboy! 439 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,270 Anyway, it's a medical emergency. 440 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,620 Get out of the way, I've got to get on with this. 441 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:20,110 In three, two, one... 442 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,990 Go! 443 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,400 Oh-ho! Oh, that's... Yeah, ugh! The wheels were a mistake! 444 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:32,110 I'm really sorry, mate, just try and put your guts back in the... 445 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,150 Oh... er... Agh! 446 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,470 Airway - that's a priority! That goes in here. 447 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,710 Agh! Now he's being sick on me! 448 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,700 I'm covered in... Agh! 449 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,150 Stop vomiting, you idiot! 450 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:56,390 This is the willy bit. You probably can't see this on television. 451 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,710 This has to go in the end. 452 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,360 Ah! Now I'm covered in wee! 453 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,790 Speed... 454 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:15,230 - That would be deeply uncomfortable for Hammond. - I would've thought so. 455 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,420 How do I get the blood out of the bag? 456 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,390 - I'm tempted to move back. - Do you know? I agree. 457 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,630 - Yeah. - Cos it is Das Stig! 458 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,350 Stig! 459 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,790 There he is. 460 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,070 Across the line! 461 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:37,990 'The 2 minutes 17 lap had taken its toll 462 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:41,550 'on both the Chevy's brakes and Dr Hammond.' 463 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:45,510 Holy Moley! Look at the state of him. What's that? 464 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,510 - Being an ambulance man is a tough job. - What is that?! 465 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,360 - It's... it's wee. - Is it yours? - No. 466 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,950 'Next, it was the turn of Dr Slow's hearse-bulance.' 467 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,670 Three, two, one, go! 468 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,870 - Should I start the stopwatch now? - Well, I mean, this is part of the... 469 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:08,920 Well, it's taking time. 470 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,830 - Is his seat fastened down? - Yeah. 471 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,080 What he's done is take a length of one of those stairlifts. 472 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,950 I think you may have overdone it slightly 473 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,670 on closing the tailgate, Stig. 474 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,550 You get in and we'll fasten you in. 475 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,750 Your lap time is going to be shocking, frankly. 476 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,216 - You haven't started the stopwatch? - Yeah. - Course we have! 477 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:39,910 - I haven't set off yet! - You DID set off! - Well, it's your call, isn't it? 478 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,270 Hurry up! 479 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:42,460 Go! 480 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,070 - He's gone! - He's gone now. 481 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:49,350 - 9 minutes 30 to get to there. - 9.30! - That's not brilliant. 482 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:53,150 Can you hear me, man, woman? No? Right, breathing? Possibly not. 483 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:54,670 Putting... 484 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,960 'The hearse-bulance coped brilliantly with the corners.' 485 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,710 That's his guts back in. 486 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,300 'But less well on the speed humps.' 487 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,400 Keep going! 488 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:17,710 He's going to make it! 489 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,920 Here he comes. 490 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:25,190 - Hammond, run for your life! - I'm going to die! Killed by an ambulance! 491 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:26,980 Across the line! 492 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,910 'James wasn't best pleased with his lap time.' 493 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:34,590 - 12 minutes and 28 seconds! - Oh, get lost! - It was! - It was. 494 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,590 It's the slowest lap in Top Gear's history. 495 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,070 'Finally, it was the turn of the Porsche. 496 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,110 'And immediately, there was a problem.' 497 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,070 - Good. - He's kicked the patient. 498 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:51,350 Shut up! 499 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,710 'Eventually, though, the ape was in position.' 500 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,360 Begin! 501 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,630 Is he focusing on getting the drip in? 502 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,750 Or is he focusing on...? 503 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,160 Holy mother of God! 504 00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,760 Ow! It hurts so much! 505 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:25,870 You maniac! 506 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,640 Ow! Stupid man! 507 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,230 Oh, God, what happens when I go over a speed bump?! 508 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:36,190 I don't like this! 509 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,550 Here he comes. 510 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,560 I'm in a scene from Carrie! 511 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,320 I want Josh back from Casualty! 512 00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:54,520 God! 513 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,150 And across the line! 514 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,590 Oh, dear! 515 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:06,310 'And then, to complete my humiliation...' 516 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,390 2... 24. 517 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,750 - Rubbish! What, I was slower than the...? - Yeah! 518 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,990 - You were 2.12 or something, weren't you? - Yep. 519 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:17,750 - Did he slow down at all for the speed humps? - Nope. 520 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,190 That's why we got air. 521 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:24,630 - Right, that's my drawback. - Well, you can't... I mean, it's a Porsche! 522 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:27,150 You can't hit the sp... It hasn't got the clearance! 523 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:31,150 - He ripped his bumper off. - Speed bumps! 600,000 people a year 524 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,710 are killed in the back of ambulances by speed humps. 525 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,990 - What you're doing is making that up. - Yes, but making a point as well. 526 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,856 - I'm making it up to make a point. - If it's one or more, it's an issue. 527 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,150 - Agreed! - Go over it too fast, patient dies. - Yeah? 528 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:43,710 Slow down to make it comfortable, 529 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,510 patient dies cos they don't reach the hospital in time. 530 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,990 Until this Government gets rid of every single speed hump, 531 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,160 we're all going to die. 532 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,670 'For our next test, we had to see which of our cars 533 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,910 'had the fastest patient off-loading system.' 534 00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:05,150 As I approach the A and E department, I open the boot using electricity. 535 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:09,590 I then apply the handbrake, hydraulic, the car swings round, 536 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:14,310 centrifugal force causes the patient to leave the car, the ambulance, 537 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:19,150 on his stretcher, the wheels deploy, and he rolls into the hospital. 538 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,750 I am then pointing in the right direction 539 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,560 to go back out and get another patient. 540 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,750 Somewhere, there's a world in which that will work. 541 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:33,840 Ram-bulance 1 coming in hot. Delivery system engaged! 542 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,680 Behold my genius. 543 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:45,310 - Not an enormous success. - No, I could see where the thinking was going... 544 00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:48,070 - Yeah. - .. But the legs didn't deploy and the patient's dead. 545 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:52,310 - Goal-line technology, that is in. - I'm going to give it a no, 546 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:56,390 - on the basis that he isn't IN the hospital. - He is! - He's not! - He is! 547 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:58,376 - The hos... - Even his foot's not in, he's not in. 548 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:01,230 Nobody will look at it and say, "Ooh, that poor man's in hospital." 549 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:04,710 They'll say, "That poor man's been dumped OUTSIDE a hospital." 550 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:06,630 'It was then my turn.' 551 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,350 Swing it round. 552 00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:10,470 What is he doing?! 553 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:12,910 Similar sort of system, only I'm using a cannon. 554 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,160 And, er, ready? Good, fire! 555 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,380 Pretty quick, I think you'll agree. 556 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,430 - What? - What the hell was that?! - I'm not entirely certain 557 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,670 - you've delivered the patient to the hospital. - Well, I have! 558 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:32,510 Or that the patient is still... What's the word I'm looking for? 559 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,440 - ...alive! - That's the one. - Ooh! Oh, dear! 560 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,190 It was an air cannon. 561 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,910 Oh, and the door didn't open properly. 562 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,710 'Given how low the bar had been set...' 563 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:45,150 I think it was a good idea. 564 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:47,940 '.. I was confident that I'd win this.' 565 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:53,710 - James, what exactly are we looking at? - This is a robot lawnmower. 566 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:55,790 - Is it? - I've laid out pieces of string. 567 00:30:55,840 --> 00:31:01,110 It knows where those are, so it mows only inside this big rectangle. 568 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,510 So then I thought, you know the really big farm lawnmowers? 569 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:08,670 - You mean combines? - Yeah, whatever, those work off satnav. 570 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,990 The satnav knows where it is, and that's the technology I've used. 571 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:16,960 'We watched eagerly as James lined up to demonstrate his invention.' 572 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,760 Oh, God! 573 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:38,750 Right. 574 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:42,110 Now all I do is, using my special programmer, I have the coordinates 575 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:45,190 for the operating theatre at this hospital already entered. 576 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:49,200 Now watch. 577 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:56,270 - Stand clear. - What? So you uploaded 578 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:00,990 the schematics to your PDA of the hospital, like Jack Bauer? 579 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:03,150 What does that mean? 580 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,230 Arrived at the operating theatre. 581 00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:06,750 - Does it? - Yes. 582 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:10,670 - In some ways, I'm very impressed with what he's done. - Yeah. 583 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,710 But in one colossal way... 584 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:17,950 ...I'm not sure that it's worked at all. 585 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:20,870 I know what that way is, and I think you're right. 586 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:23,670 It is a disadvantage of the system. It's a problem. 587 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:25,910 James, would you like to know what the massive... 588 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,660 - What? - If you insist there's something wrong with it... 589 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:34,270 Yeah. Maybe your patient changed his mind. 590 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:42,070 Thank you so much, everybody. Now, we'll pick that up... 591 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:43,630 We'll pick that up later on. 592 00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:48,150 Uh, but now, it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car. 593 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:52,310 My guest tonight is a Formula One driver who is always smiling. 594 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,150 But he says that, behind the cuddly exterior, 595 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,510 he's actually a bit of a honey badger. 596 00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:58,910 A ferocious animal 597 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,430 that fights its opponents by going for their... 598 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,030 crotch areas. 599 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,390 Er... so, ladies and gentlemen, 600 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:09,950 please put your hands over your genitals for Daniel Ricciardo! 601 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:13,110 Hey! 602 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,840 - G'day. - How are you? - I'm all right. 603 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:21,470 Yes! 604 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,260 People love it when an F1 driver comes. 605 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:29,070 It was weird, we were in Australia last week in the Northern Territory, 606 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:32,110 saw no Australians at all, and now there's one here! 607 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,630 - Yeah, I know. - But then, you're ALL over here, actually, 608 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,150 if we're honest, aren't you? 609 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,190 Well, not by choice. 610 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,910 I can feel the warmth you're generating now. 611 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,110 No, um, what I wanted to do is, 612 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:50,790 obviously, when you started at Red Bull last year, did you think, 613 00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:52,190 and I know a lot of people did, 614 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,910 that you'd be the cheerful Aussie playing second fiddle 615 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,470 to the four-times world champion Sebastian Vettel? 616 00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:58,870 - No. - You didn't? 617 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:02,670 So you actually thought, from the get-go, "I'm going to have him"? 618 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:05,950 I believed I'd have him. But, er... yeah. 619 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,790 Until I got on track, and had everything like for like, 620 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:11,470 I wasn't obviously sure how it would go, but coming into it, 621 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,990 I didn't expect to be, you know, the guy following him every weekend. 622 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:17,750 You know, I obviously came in with some self belief 623 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:22,030 and then I think that sort of showed and then confidence grew after that. 624 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,670 There were 19 races last year and you beat him in how many? 625 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:27,350 - I don't know, er... - I do. 626 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,230 How many was it? 627 00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:32,870 - 14 of them. - 14? - Don't pretend you didn't know! 628 00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:35,230 No, I-I didn't really, actually. 629 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,710 I knew it was more, like I knew I had more than him. 630 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:39,470 You out-qualified him in... 631 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,470 - You going to pretend you don't know that as well? - Wait, this one's... 632 00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:44,030 12-7? 633 00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:47,910 - 11-8! - 11-8. - But you really... you're not keeping that in your head? 634 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:52,030 I would be! I'd ring him up every morning and go, "11-8!" 635 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:53,310 He changed his number! 636 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:54,790 Has he? 637 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,910 I think one of the reasons we were all surprised, I think, 638 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,830 when you first started and were immediately brilliant 639 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:04,150 in the Red Bull, is that you just don't look particularly ruthless. 640 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:05,830 I mean, you're always smiling. 641 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,510 The photographs we've been... I've looked through to see 642 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,870 if I could find one of you not smiling, ever. 643 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,510 Have a look at this, OK, because this is winning in Canada. 644 00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:16,710 - That's a huge beam, yes? - Yeah. 645 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:20,270 And this is after you've been disqualified in Australia. 646 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:23,910 And then we've got another photograph of you having some 647 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:27,270 - kind of blood test with a horrible injection. - Oh, yeah! - Here we are. 648 00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:28,590 Still! 649 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:31,510 You know what, it looks like a smile, but that's pain right there. 650 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:34,790 - Is it? - That's... Yeah! - So you smile when you're in agony? 651 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:38,550 Maybe if we see the lap later, there might be some, er, er... 652 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:41,750 some different emotions, cos it was an open-face helmet in the Suzuki... 653 00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:44,790 We'll see if we can catch a moment when you're not smiling. 654 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:48,230 - Yeah. - But that is later on. Now, obviously, testing is happening. 655 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,070 - Now, in fact... - Yeah. - .. As we speak. 656 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,310 - Yeah. - In fact, how come you're not there? 657 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,270 - Top Gear's way more important. - Really? - Yeah. - Oh, we're honoured! 658 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:57,870 - I hate testing. I can't stand it. - Really? 659 00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,590 - Uh, no, I wouldn't say I hate it, but... - Oh, no, you see. 660 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,270 The PR machine's come off the rails now! 661 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,390 How's it going? Cos we've got some Formula One fans here, inevitably, 662 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,190 and they'll want to know. How's it going? 663 00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:11,550 - Are you going to be as fast as the Mercs? - Um, it's still very early. 664 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:14,310 I mean, we are still finding our way. 665 00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:17,430 But, er, we've still got eight more days in Barcelona after this. 666 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:20,630 - So, come Melbourne, we'll be right. - Is anybody else... It's only fair. 667 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,630 There's a lot of Formula One fans. Anyone got any questions they'd like 668 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,430 to ask Daniel while he's here and we're talking about Formula One? 669 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,480 What does the back of Lewis's car look like? 670 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,800 Can you see that? 671 00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:40,990 Anyone else got another question? 672 00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:42,910 Who's better, you or Webber? 673 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,550 I don't know. 674 00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:50,990 Actually, let's... We'll find out. 675 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:54,510 - I believe he's... 1.43.1, so.. - He is on the board. Cos this is 676 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:57,950 the only time ever when Formula One drivers get to actually drive 677 00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:00,870 - the same machine. - Same equipment, different day, one could argue. 678 00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:03,150 - The pressure is on, if I'm honest... - I know. 679 00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:05,390 - ...today, particularly... - My heart rate's going up. 680 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:08,190 Yeah, well, I mean, so's mine, because I actually said, 681 00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:10,710 early last year, I actually sent a tweet out 682 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,870 saying I thought you were the best driver on the F1 grid. 683 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,660 Knuckles. Thanks. 684 00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:21,270 It's my way of saying thank you. 685 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:24,510 Oh, I see, it's thank you. I thought you'd hit me. Um... 686 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,390 And people who know what they're talking about as well said it. 687 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:31,870 Alonso said... What did he call you? He said you were "unbelievable". 688 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:35,230 You know, so we have had this sort of, "How good is Daniel?" 689 00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:36,870 And this is your opportunity to come 690 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:39,830 and actually show everybody, in the same car they've all driven. 691 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:42,150 And the weather today was... 692 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:45,670 - It was good. - Yeah! - Like, that's a thing - I don't have excuses! 693 00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:47,710 No, it was cold and bright 694 00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:50,230 and about as perfect as it could be for a car. 695 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:53,110 So who would like to see what is, let's be honest, 696 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:54,830 an extremely important lap? 697 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:56,430 Yes! 698 00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:58,110 Play the tape, let's have a look. 699 00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,950 Come on, let's do this! 700 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:03,510 Obviously, you're back in the old car, the Suzuki Liana. 701 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,150 Nice to see it back. 702 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:06,910 Race face on! Grr! 703 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:10,190 That is! It's like a honey badger! 704 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:13,430 I'm guessing, will you go...? No, weirdly, you're not on the wide line 705 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:16,430 - taken by most of the Formula One drivers. - Taking it tight. 706 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:18,150 - Taking it tight. - You are. 707 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,030 Just saving distance. 708 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:21,390 Not there, you're not. 709 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:23,710 Chicks'll go crazy for this! 710 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,270 - OK, this is it. - Bit of understeer. 711 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:31,350 - Little bit, but managed nicely. - Kept it tight! 712 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,350 Come on! Let's go! 713 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:37,510 - Whoa! All sorts of hand gestures. - Getting racy! 714 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:40,350 - Hammerhead. - Keeping it in the lines, ooh... 715 00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,750 - Oh! - Yeah, now get it all lined up ready for a smooth, quick... 716 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:47,750 Why am I telling you what you're doing? You know what you're doing! 717 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:49,590 Come on! 718 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:51,830 Grr. 719 00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:54,670 Are you suggesting this isn't fast enough? 720 00:38:54,720 --> 00:38:57,430 - Look at it! Using the red and whites. - This line's good. 721 00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:59,430 This is... this is racy. 722 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:03,070 - Oh, that's keeping it comfy! - Yeah. - Keeping it comfy. 723 00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:06,070 - Ooh, look at that, lift-off oversteer! - Yeah! 724 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:09,670 Something our other guests should use. Lift-off oversteering there. 725 00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:13,520 - Ooh, that was... - Then just fling it in and there we are across the line! 726 00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:28,150 - I'm actually nervous. - Go on, then, where do you think you've come? 727 00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:33,150 These are effectively drive times, Jenson, 144.144, 144, 144, so 728 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:38,430 we're up to Lewis, then came along, on his second attempt, and did... 729 00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:41,470 let's be honest, a fairly unbeatable 142.9. 730 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:43,590 - Whoa. - Cos that's... What is he? Quicker... 731 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:46,790 - Mark's second, so he's 0.2 seconds off. - The anticipation's killing me. 732 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:49,710 And then, we're right down to Seb at 144. 733 00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:52,870 Should I just go lower or...? 734 00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:56,630 I don't know, I... The gap between Webber and Vettel scares me. 735 00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,350 Like that's a big gap, so I'm wondering 736 00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:00,990 - if they had good track conditions. - That's 0.9 of a second. 737 00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:04,190 - Did I have that? - A load of space to get you and your smile in there. 738 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:07,030 Just do it slowly! 739 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:08,950 Lewis, 142.9... 740 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,590 Do it slow, like one number by one number. 741 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:14,950 OK, I don't want... If I lost, I want to lose slowly. 742 00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,310 Start with a one at least. 743 00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:23,910 - One... - Come on! 744 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:25,350 ...50... 745 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:26,870 Oh, no, come on. 746 00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:29,120 I'm just teasing you. 747 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:39,350 Sorry, I'm letting you down gently, is what I'm doing. 748 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:42,550 - One... - Ugh, do it slow, do it slow. 749 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:45,240 - ...forty... - Ugh... Please say two. 750 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,230 - Come on. - .. Two. - Yeah! 751 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:56,510 My hair's standing on end, cos it's another two. 752 00:40:56,560 --> 00:40:59,710 I mean, seriously, a 142.2. 753 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:06,070 Staggering, absolutely staggering. 754 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,880 How'd you do that? How did you do that? 755 00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:21,590 That's the fastest anybody's ever gone round our track. 756 00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:23,190 I feel better. 757 00:41:23,240 --> 00:41:25,840 In any of our reasonably priced cars. 758 00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:30,150 It'll be fun next year 759 00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:33,110 when you get back on the circuit with that time. 760 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,190 That is genuinely remarkable. 761 00:41:35,240 --> 00:41:38,870 I'm staggered because I... Lewis has hung himself. 762 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:42,750 Oh, and by the way, matey boy, you want to...? 763 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:48,350 In the same car, it turns out that 764 00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:52,110 the Aussie has just beaten the Brit, it's the Ashes all over again. 765 00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:55,230 This is how I felt after Canada. I didn't know what to say. 766 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:58,190 So we've actually made a man happier than winning a grand prix. 767 00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:02,080 Ladies and gentlemen, he's done it! Daniel Ricciardo! 768 00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,280 Just... I'm really, that's... I never thought... 769 00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:11,830 You know that wasn't a fluke, don't you? 770 00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:15,710 You know he did three laps exactly the same time? Three times. 771 00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:18,670 - That's why he's... you know. - Yeah, yeah. 772 00:42:18,720 --> 00:42:22,750 Now, tonight, we have made three ambulances, and to be honest, 773 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:26,150 there have been a few niggles and minor teething troubles. 774 00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:28,350 Yeah. For example, not one of them 775 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,510 has yet delivered a patient to a hospital alive. 776 00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:33,390 No. Nevertheless, 777 00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:35,150 the producer said we had to go off 778 00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:38,790 and build a Thunderbirds-style International Rescue facility 779 00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:42,790 where we would be on hand with our ambulances 24 hours a day, 780 00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:45,840 ready to respond at a moment's notice. 781 00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:50,230 This is it. 782 00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,070 And inside the command module, 783 00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:54,550 we were waiting for our first emergency. 784 00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:57,230 Have you heard about this. 785 00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:00,910 Jewish volunteer ambulance service called Hatzolah? 786 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:02,550 No. 787 00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:06,350 No, honestly, I'm not joking, it's unbelievable. The NHS response time 788 00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,750 in Britain for a life-threatening situation is eight minutes. 789 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:14,350 - They get there in New York. - In New York, which is busy - 790 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:15,790 in four minutes. 791 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:17,680 - That's from the call? - That's from the call. 792 00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:19,430 Four minutes later, they're there. 793 00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:22,590 There's 1,000 of them in New York, OK, and they're normal people, 794 00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:25,110 they're builders, teachers, whatever - they're trained. 795 00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:27,790 And they keep with them in their cars, at all times, 796 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:31,110 - defibrillators, medicine. - All the things you need. 797 00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:34,270 It's a brilliant idea. And we should be aiming for 798 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:35,870 these response times. 799 00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:39,390 - It takes me two minutes to shut the back door! - He has a point. 800 00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:43,510 Oh, gentlemen, incoming message. 801 00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:45,880 What a remarkable printer. 802 00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:50,350 "A meteorite has landed on the town of Theale. 803 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:51,710 "There are many casualties. 804 00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,150 "Points will be awarded for whichever one of you 805 00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:58,350 "gets one of those casualties to the hospital in the quickest time." 806 00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:03,150 This is it. International Rescue has been summoned, Thunderbirds are go! 807 00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:49,160 I'm power-sliding in an ambulance! 808 00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:06,750 Coming through. 809 00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:09,550 Yeah! 810 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:11,960 Dig down, Cosworth power. 811 00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,910 'Naturally, we soon encountered heavy traffic, 812 00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,150 'but we were ready for that.' 813 00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:20,870 Engaging siren. 814 00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:26,920 Come on, go! 815 00:45:28,240 --> 00:45:30,430 Can you not see I'm an ambulance? 816 00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:36,750 Yeah, Stayin' Alive, it's reassuring for the patient... 817 00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:40,360 but it doesn't really say "siren" to other road users. 818 00:45:41,720 --> 00:45:46,110 Get out of the way, you normal ambulance! Come on! 819 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,070 'My siren, like my ambulance, 820 00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:52,350 'was designed to scare people out of the way.' 821 00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:59,360 'Annoyingly, though, it didn't really work.' 822 00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,630 He's not scared at all. 823 00:46:11,680 --> 00:46:15,270 'If Hammond's siren wasn't working, James's didn't have a prayer.' 824 00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:18,270 I know it's slightly annoying, 825 00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:20,830 but could you be an awfully good sport 826 00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:24,440 and move out of the way of the ambulance? Thank you. 827 00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:30,030 'When we arrived in Theale, we split up to look 828 00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:32,230 'for the meteorite crash site.' 829 00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:34,630 Oh, God, the place is a mess! 830 00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,390 Look at the damn... Oh, no, this isn't the site, 831 00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:39,780 is it? This is just... Theale. 832 00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:45,670 We've got everything we need. Blood, oxygen, Nurofen. 833 00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:51,790 Hydraulic handbrake, very important in a ram-bulance. 834 00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:54,990 The Hatzolah ambulance service will be watching this 835 00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:58,200 with their mouths... agog! 836 00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:04,720 Four minutes call-out time, Hatzolah are the people to beat. 837 00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:14,480 Yeah, temporarily lost. 838 00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:19,040 Has anybody seen a meteorite? I mean, it can't be... 839 00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:25,590 I can't see anything that's been damaged by a meteorite. 840 00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:29,150 This is getting irritating! 841 00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:41,630 40 minutes later, two of us arrived. 842 00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:44,480 'Relax, people, I'M here.' 843 00:47:45,520 --> 00:47:48,080 Oh, my God. Look at this. 844 00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:54,620 Yeah, we got a lot of casualties here. 845 00:47:56,400 --> 00:47:58,880 Where is this site? Come on! 846 00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:02,640 Oh, hello, brakes are getting spongy. 847 00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:06,960 Still hot. 848 00:48:08,800 --> 00:48:12,110 - Jeremy... - What? - This is absolutely amazing. 849 00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:15,150 It is, none of the girls are wearing underwear. 850 00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:18,320 - Oh, here comes Hammond. - About time. 851 00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:22,790 Do you just have the fire brigade following you around... 852 00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:25,270 - as a matter of course? - Oh, yeah, it does do that. 853 00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:28,390 I didn't think it was going to be a real meteorite strike. 854 00:48:28,440 --> 00:48:31,590 - I mean, that's... - No, it is. - .. Actually happened. 855 00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:33,150 Go on, then. 856 00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:37,110 "Each of the casualties is fitted with a timer showing how long 857 00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,270 "they have before they die. 858 00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:41,510 "This lets you know how long you have 859 00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:44,860 "before they must reach the hospital. However..." 860 00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:48,790 "However, each time they are jolted or bashed, 861 00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:51,710 "the timer will jump forwards ten seconds." 862 00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:54,510 - How long's on the timers? - Well, I don't know. 863 00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:57,190 I presume depending on how wounded they are. 864 00:48:57,240 --> 00:48:58,710 Oh, so it'll be different. 865 00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:02,030 So we've got to choose one with the longest amount of time. 866 00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:07,270 - Yeah, exactly. Right. - The race starts in three, two, one - now! 867 00:49:07,320 --> 00:49:09,720 Right. I'm just going to get in. 868 00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,110 30 seconds, waste of time. 869 00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:16,430 Two minutes. Mate, I'm sorry. 870 00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:24,110 He's got ten minutes. I'm having him. 871 00:49:24,160 --> 00:49:28,110 Eight minutes 55. It's you, it's you. 872 00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:31,960 You're in good shape, my man. I can look after you. 873 00:49:35,080 --> 00:49:36,670 There you go, sir. 874 00:49:36,720 --> 00:49:39,910 'With the patients carefully loaded...' 875 00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:41,430 Get in! 876 00:49:41,480 --> 00:49:43,950 '..Richard and I were on our way.' 877 00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:58,240 May have collected a cone or two there, sorry. 878 00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:07,310 We've never lost a patient from Theale on my watch, 879 00:50:07,360 --> 00:50:10,100 sure as hell not going to lose one now! 880 00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:14,430 'The roads to the state-of-the-art hospital on the 881 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:19,190 'other side of town were littered with abandoned cars. 882 00:50:19,240 --> 00:50:22,710 'But Hammond and I had decided to get there as fast as possible, 883 00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:26,630 'even if it meant incurring a few ten-second penalties.' 884 00:50:26,680 --> 00:50:29,310 Don't you worry, sir, 885 00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:31,360 you just hang on tight. 886 00:50:32,680 --> 00:50:36,080 Here we go. Rams deployed. 887 00:50:40,720 --> 00:50:43,750 The thing is, mate, you get a ten-second penalty 888 00:50:43,800 --> 00:50:46,140 for every single little knock. 889 00:50:47,200 --> 00:50:50,150 So you may as well have big knocks. 890 00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:57,830 Unsurprisingly, James had decided to adopt a policy of no knocks at all. 891 00:50:57,880 --> 00:51:00,870 Hello, and welcome aboard the ecnalubma. 892 00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:02,990 Your recovery is our first priority. 893 00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:05,550 We realise that you have a choice of ambulances, 894 00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:08,000 and this is indeed the best one. 895 00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:12,340 The patient is really annoying me now. 896 00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:15,510 Oh, no, he's broken free! 897 00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:20,560 Whoa! Dukes Of Hazzard, there it is! 898 00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:25,200 Oh, I'm sorry, that's probably ten seconds off your life. 899 00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:29,270 Meanwhile, in the next street... 900 00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:35,040 ...James had encountered a Peugeot driver. 901 00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:40,030 Sorry to disturb you, gentleman in the silver Peugeot, 902 00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:43,750 but this is an ambulance and this is an emergency. 903 00:51:43,800 --> 00:51:47,390 It really is a matter of great importance that you 904 00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:50,180 make way for the ambulance, thank you. 905 00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:00,440 Move, man! 906 00:52:05,560 --> 00:52:08,360 Whoops-a-daisy. 907 00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:14,680 No. Oh... 908 00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:20,710 I've been reasonably polite about this so far, 909 00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:23,720 - I would like you to get out of the. - Way. 910 00:52:25,320 --> 00:52:27,750 Thanks to our exuberant driving, 911 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:30,790 my patient and Hammond's had lost a lot of life. 912 00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:33,600 So we decided to go even faster. 913 00:52:35,880 --> 00:52:38,150 We're on our way to hospital. 914 00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:44,670 Ramming! 915 00:52:52,640 --> 00:52:56,710 I think my man is suffering. Reassuring tunes coming up. 916 00:53:08,280 --> 00:53:11,430 'Following my encounter with the infernal Peugeot, 917 00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:14,350 'I'd also thrown caution to the wind.' 918 00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:17,680 Hang on, fellow, we're making up the lost time. 919 00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:24,670 Shortcut. 920 00:53:24,720 --> 00:53:26,360 Watch this. 921 00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:30,200 Cock. 922 00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:34,200 Cocking Nora. 923 00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:41,540 Well, I've lost a few seconds in that. 924 00:53:42,640 --> 00:53:46,150 Oh, no, I've got a Porsche ambulance behind me. 925 00:53:46,200 --> 00:53:48,230 Hammond, get out of my way! 926 00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:51,800 I'm coming through in a Porsche Turbo! 927 00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:56,750 Brakes are definitely fading. 928 00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:03,870 This is the trouble with the privatised ambulance service 929 00:54:03,920 --> 00:54:06,030 that we have created here. 930 00:54:06,080 --> 00:54:08,280 It's a race, really. 931 00:54:11,480 --> 00:54:13,590 Beautifully controlled... 932 00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:15,480 Patient rested. 933 00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,710 Hammond, move, move, move! 934 00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:22,950 Right, nitrous. 935 00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:31,350 He's gone, he's gone, and he's gone badly wrong. 936 00:54:31,400 --> 00:54:33,440 Hammond has stuffed it! 937 00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:40,160 Nearly there, sorry about the noise, you'll be fine! 938 00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:46,750 Sorry. They couldn't get a lot done in ten seconds. 939 00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:53,320 We're getting near the hospital now. Stay with me, stay with me! 940 00:54:56,520 --> 00:54:59,720 Oh, yes. First at the hospital. 941 00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:04,840 That is a victory. 942 00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:16,750 Damn it, May is already there! 943 00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:20,120 But my patient is still alive, OK. 944 00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:22,990 Ready, boot opening. 945 00:55:23,040 --> 00:55:27,040 Patient-delivery system engaged. Here we go! 946 00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:42,910 I give you one alive patient, delivered to a hospital. 947 00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:44,790 - Ahem. - Where is yours? 948 00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:46,910 Oh, he's, um... he got better. 949 00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:48,630 - Did he? - Yeah. - Did he? 950 00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:51,590 I did say, did I not, at the beginning of this item, 951 00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:54,870 "The process of recovery begins in the club class ambulance." 952 00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:57,870 - And in fact, it works. - James, where is he? 953 00:55:57,920 --> 00:56:00,630 - In the pub, I imagine. - He can't be in the pub, 954 00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:04,280 he was wounded, he was dying, got ten minutes to live! 955 00:56:09,800 --> 00:56:10,950 Right, down here. 956 00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:12,830 This looks good. 957 00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:15,350 Ah, wait a minute, here he comes. 958 00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:18,190 And now - coup de grace. 959 00:56:18,240 --> 00:56:20,750 Patient to hospital. 960 00:56:24,200 --> 00:56:26,640 Hammond, you blithering idiot! 961 00:56:34,960 --> 00:56:36,430 Thank you. 962 00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:39,590 Well, there we are. Despite Hammond's catastrophic failure 963 00:56:39,640 --> 00:56:40,910 at the end there, 964 00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:44,590 I think there were a number of very important points made in that film. 965 00:56:44,640 --> 00:56:47,630 But now we must work out which of our ambulances 966 00:56:47,680 --> 00:56:51,790 - was the best. - Absolutely, and over here we have the scoreboard. 967 00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:54,670 And we start with the drag race. Now, Jeremy, you won that. 968 00:56:54,720 --> 00:56:59,830 - I did. - So you get 10 points. Uh, I came second, I get 5. 969 00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:03,270 Richard Hammond, you were last, and for that you get nought. 970 00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:06,070 Yep, OK, fair enough. Then we move on to lap times. 971 00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:09,070 Now, remember, you get a point for every second your ambulance 972 00:57:09,120 --> 00:57:12,350 got round the track driven by the Stig in under three minutes. 973 00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:15,510 I get 43 points, there we go. 974 00:57:15,560 --> 00:57:20,270 - Jeremy, you did it in... - 2.24. - So you get, uh, it's 36. 975 00:57:20,320 --> 00:57:23,910 - 36 points. - Yeah. And now, James, um... 976 00:57:25,840 --> 00:57:30,150 Yours works out, I'm afraid, at minus 568 there. 977 00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:32,990 - Rubbish! - No, I'm afraid your tailgate 978 00:57:33,040 --> 00:57:35,910 coming down, that let you down badly. 979 00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:38,630 All right, never mind. Let's move on - medical procedures. 980 00:57:38,680 --> 00:57:41,030 Now, uh, I performed two of those, 981 00:57:41,080 --> 00:57:44,510 you get 7 points for each one, so I got 14 points. 982 00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:47,550 Richard Hammond, you actually performed three, 983 00:57:47,600 --> 00:57:49,510 so you get 21 points. 984 00:57:49,560 --> 00:57:51,190 Uh, no, hang on a minute. 985 00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:54,230 I did four, because I did the intestines, the catheter, 986 00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:55,790 the drip and I did the airway. 987 00:57:55,840 --> 00:57:57,710 Yeah, but you weren't asked to do the airway. 988 00:57:57,760 --> 00:58:00,176 - Yes, but I did it. - You could've done a breast enlargement, 989 00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:02,390 it wouldn't have made any difference to your points. 990 00:58:02,440 --> 00:58:04,430 You were asked to do three things, you did them, 991 00:58:04,480 --> 00:58:07,630 - stop moaning. What did I get? - Yeah, well, this is the interesting thing, 992 00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:09,910 - because you, I'm afraid, got nought. - Oh, that's cos 993 00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:13,030 I was rather transfixed by my patient's... thing. 994 00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:18,110 No, I was. I went round one corner, it nearly went in my mouth. 995 00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:19,670 Yes. 996 00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:21,230 That would've been bad. 997 00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:23,430 Let's move on to value. 998 00:58:23,480 --> 00:58:26,630 - Uh, Richard Hammond, yours was the most expensive. - It was. 999 00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:28,430 - Can you believe it? - I know. Well... 1000 00:58:28,480 --> 00:58:30,470 Difficult, but, uh, you get nought. 1001 00:58:30,520 --> 00:58:34,910 Uh, Jeremy Clarkson, yours was very slightly cheaper, so you get 5. 1002 00:58:34,960 --> 00:58:39,590 Mine was very much cheaper, at just £1,800, I get 10. 1003 00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:42,750 - 10 points there. - OK, moving on. Now, sirens. 1004 00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:46,030 - Mine, uh, was rubbish, really, I'll confess. - It was. 1005 00:58:46,080 --> 00:58:49,150 - It was. So I get nought there. - It was childish and rubbish. 1006 00:58:49,200 --> 00:58:51,270 Jeremy, yours didn't work either, did it? 1007 00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,430 It didn't. Wasn't childish, it just didn't work. 1008 00:58:53,480 --> 00:58:55,270 It was rubbish. 1009 00:58:55,320 --> 00:59:00,790 James, you get minus 461 for that one. 1010 00:59:00,840 --> 00:59:02,830 How do you work that out? 1011 00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:05,150 Well, because not only was your siren inaudible, 1012 00:59:05,200 --> 00:59:07,670 but it doesn't actually say "ambulance" 1013 00:59:07,720 --> 00:59:10,096 - on the front of your ambulance. - Yes, it does! - It doesn't. 1014 00:59:10,120 --> 00:59:11,990 Look, you've written the word backwards, 1015 00:59:12,040 --> 00:59:14,870 but you've got the letters the right way around still. 1016 00:59:14,920 --> 00:59:17,270 Yes, I know, but the shop where I went 1017 00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:19,790 didn't have back-to-front ambulance lettering. 1018 00:59:19,840 --> 00:59:21,790 Yes, yes, and as a result of that, 1019 00:59:21,840 --> 00:59:24,870 - you are now on exactly minus 1,000. - Yes, you are. 1020 00:59:24,920 --> 00:59:26,750 That's absolutely remarkable. 1021 00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:29,230 That's incredible. Incredible maths, but there we are. 1022 00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:31,910 It doesn't matter, I'm going to claw something back here. 1023 00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:33,270 The race to the hospital. 1024 00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:35,630 Yeah, you are. Because you came first. 1025 00:59:35,680 --> 00:59:37,830 For that, you get 10 points. 1026 00:59:37,880 --> 00:59:40,790 - Jeremy, you came second, so it's 5 points for you. - Yes. 1027 00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:45,310 And I came stone dead last, so I get no points on that particular one. 1028 00:59:45,360 --> 00:59:46,990 Oh, now look, here we are. 1029 00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:50,430 James is back to... yeah, minus 990. 1030 00:59:50,480 --> 00:59:53,630 He's catching up. Right, delivery systems. 1031 00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:55,710 Now, mine didn't really work, did it? 1032 00:59:55,760 --> 00:59:59,310 No, well, your door didn't work one time, and you fired a man 1033 00:59:59,360 --> 01:00:01,910 through a window the second time, so that's definitely no. 1034 01:00:01,960 --> 01:00:03,750 Yeah, that did happen. 1035 01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:07,710 James, you didn't actually have a patient to deliver. 1036 01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:10,870 - No, you didn't. - So I'm afraid you get minus 10 for that. 1037 01:00:10,920 --> 01:00:14,070 Oh, no. All gone wrong. 1038 01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:16,670 Yeah, Jeremy, yours did work. 1039 01:00:16,720 --> 01:00:19,470 It did, so you get 5 points. Right. 1040 01:00:19,520 --> 01:00:22,870 So hang on a minute, hang on, hang on, hang on... this is close. 1041 01:00:22,920 --> 01:00:26,230 Not with you, obviously, James, but Hammond and I, 1042 01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:29,670 I'm only now... I'm only three points behind you. 1043 01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:31,390 And we arrive at this bit. 1044 01:00:31,440 --> 01:00:34,790 OK, this is the condition of the patient when he arrived... 1045 01:00:34,840 --> 01:00:37,070 Well, I say "he", the "she", whatever it was. 1046 01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:38,990 - ...arrived at the hospital. - Yeah. 1047 01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:41,430 So, ahem, here we go. James May... 1048 01:00:41,480 --> 01:00:44,070 - Yes. - Your patient condition was... 1049 01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:45,470 Missing. 1050 01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,150 Yes. Presumed dead. 1051 01:00:48,200 --> 01:00:50,510 - Yeah, dead. - So you score... 1052 01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:52,350 - Uh, nought. - Right, nought. 1053 01:00:52,400 --> 01:00:55,310 - The condition of Hammond's patient? - Dead. 1054 01:00:55,360 --> 01:00:58,350 - Right, so he scores... - Nought. 1055 01:00:58,400 --> 01:01:00,910 Ahem, and the condition of my patient? 1056 01:01:00,960 --> 01:01:03,360 Your patient, Jeremy, was alive. 1057 01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:07,560 - And so I score...? - One. 1058 01:01:10,080 --> 01:01:14,110 - What do you mean, one? - It's nought for dead, one for alive. 1059 01:01:14,160 --> 01:01:16,990 I was the only one of the three of us 1060 01:01:17,040 --> 01:01:20,070 who got a patient to a hospital alive, and that matters! 1061 01:01:20,120 --> 01:01:22,430 Yes, and that's why you got that point. 1062 01:01:22,480 --> 01:01:24,830 So you're saying that because I only get one point, 1063 01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:28,190 I'm... That means I now lose to you, 1064 01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:32,230 even though your van was slow, expensive, 1065 01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:35,270 its brakes caught fire every time you tried to 1066 01:01:35,320 --> 01:01:38,070 slow down, and it killed everybody who got into the back of it. 1067 01:01:38,120 --> 01:01:39,710 Yep. 1068 01:01:39,760 --> 01:01:42,670 And the only reason you won is because you happened to be 1069 01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:45,110 good at putting a tube in a ladyboy's sausage. 1070 01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:48,030 - Yep. - Which means that you, Richard Hammond, 1071 01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:51,870 have single handedly ruined the National Health Service. 1072 01:01:51,920 --> 01:01:53,390 Yep. 1073 01:01:53,440 --> 01:01:55,630 And on that bombshell, it's time to end. 1074 01:01:55,680 --> 01:01:58,550 Thank you so much for watching. See you again next week. 1075 01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:00,160 Good night.